BEHIND THE SMILES, LAUGHS & COUNTLESS MEMORIES

What is anxiety? For me anxiety is a soul killer and also the one thing that pushes me to keep going! How is that even possible? 

If I could say anything about anxiety, it is that it changed me. The fact that I couldn’t get my old self back ate at me for years and years. I had gone from the most loud, outgoing, bubbly and happy person to someone completely different and distant from my old self. I could feel it changing me, I became frustrated, agitated, irritated and angry which was the complete opposite to how I knew myself. I had lost my identity and didn’t know how to get it back.

I’ve struggled with anxiety for over 10 years, majority of it silently. I didn’t know at the start there were others feeling the way I did and telling someone how I felt without being able to show them was proving to be difficult, as anxiety is invisible. I got used to people saying to me ‘it’s in your head’, ‘don’t worry’, ‘stop thinking about it’! All of which are probably the most unhelpful things to say to someone who is going through it. I believe only those that are going through anxiety or have experienced it at some point in their life will truly understand what I mean by this.

Anxiety became my enemy, I felt as though it had taken my life away from me. Any moment I thought ‘finally I feel free’ it was there to take it away from me and make my life miserable. It has affected me at every point of my life since I’ve had it, from just before going to bed to waking up with it. It was there and it was there to stay. 

Anxiety is invisible and for those that can’t see it you’re definitely not missing out.

I can’t say it’s all bad because having anxiety has in some way allowed me to become stronger even though I don’t always see it. It was actually pointed out to me which made me realise that those who go through these difficult moments and still continue to go on about their day with anxiety have gone above and beyond the average person without anxiety (this is not to say someone else’s journey is easier). That in itself empowers me to keep going, knowing that my journey maybe more difficult than someone else’s but I am getting through it however I can and reaching the same destination. It’s difficult to put it into words how much anxiety can make or break you but it can literally make or break you…and I’ve experienced both of them. 

Follow my journey, while I try to express my thoughts and some of my experiences with anxiety.

With Love and Gratitude
Janoo x